Blockage
The other day I was sitting in front of the TV, taking a break. As the remote was lost I was sort of stuck watching whatever came on as, being on a break, I was reluctant to make my way to the TV to flip around.
As I sat there the screen filled with a guy I see from time to time. Until today I had no idea what the guy was selling but I’d always had the opinion that whatever it was I’d never buy it based solely on the guy’s appearance. The man needs an image consultant — someone to tell him that if you are trying to sell folks something you should do everything you can to not look like a con man. Someone to tell him that while Pencil Thin Mustache is a fine Jimmy Buffet song it is a poor facial affectation. Especially when the types of things oozing out from beneath the mustache are things like your bowel movements should be the same size, proportionately speaking, as those of your four-year old.
I couldn’t find a pic of Klee. This one
of Boston Blackie shows a better
example of the mustache in question.
This brought to mind a BM one of my kids had that led me to comment “it’s almost as big as your arm.” (Those of you with little kids handy are probably familiar with them tracking you down to show you the poos that come out of them.)
Without doing any actual measuring I think my arm is about three-feet from the tip of my nose to the end of my fingertip. If we deduct some length for the shoulder and even the hand we’re left something over two feet. And I would argue that for the purposes of fecal-matter measuring, the hand should be considered part of the arm.
Even without taking into account the girth that is going to be a hard turd to pass. I suppose if it articulates about half-way down, like an elbow, it would be easier to evacuate. But it’s still going to be a bitch.
Based in this type of logic am I to think that my urine stream should have a fire-hose quality to it now that I’m older. Have you ever heard a four-year old urinate? It’s amazing the force of their stream doesn’t chip the porcelain. Adjusting this mechanism for age-appropriate size, adult men would have to harness themselves to the toilet to keep the force of their stream from throwing them back against the wall.
Klee Irwin, the guy from Dual Action Cleanse, states that there is something like 15 to 20 pounds of fecal material stuck in our bowels. I’d seen something like this on the Internets before which, of course, makes it true.
These people say that’s a crock of shit. A crock similar in mass to what a four-year old might produce (adjusted for size).
And I’m guessing they’re not sporting Boston Blackie facial hair.
